Amazing Jokes

Car loan

admin — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 11:44:01 +0000

Before going to Australia on business, a man drove his Lamborghini to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $3,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, “Well then, here are the keys to my Lamborghini.”

The loan officer promptly had his luxury car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $3,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his Lamborghini back. “That will be $3,000 in principal, and $9.20 in interest”, the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

“Wait sir”, the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow so few, only $3,000?”

The millionaire smiled. “Where else could I park my Lamborghini in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $9.20?

Pirate in a bar

admin — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 18:12:59 +0000

A old pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”
“What do you mean?” the old pirate replies, “I’m fine.”
The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” says the pirate matey, “We were in a battle at sea against a enemy frigate and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in another pirate raid and we boarded the enemy galleon. I was in a sabre fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”
“Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”
“Well,” says the old pirate, “One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”
“So?” replied the bartender, “what happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird shit!”
“Well,” says the old pirate, “I really wasn’t used to the hook yet.”

Boy and girl

admin — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 18:00:16 +0000

Girl says to her Boyfriend: Now it is time we should marry.

Boy: That’s ok, but who will marry us?

Mars mission

admin — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 20:55:14 +0000

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
“Give me the box of matches” says one. “Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.”
He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms…”No, no, don’t!”
The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? But he takes another match….
And now, a crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: “No, no, don’t do that!”
“It looks serious. What are they afraid of? But - we’re here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars.”
He strikes a match, which flames up, burns down, and….. nothing happens.
“Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?”
The leader of the Martians says, “Today is Shabbos!”

Can alcohol substitute a women?

admin — Wed, 28 May 2008 08:05:52 +0000

Johny says, “I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.” “Yeah what happened?” asked Freddy. Johny replies, “Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.”

Honest Lawyer

admin — Sun, 25 May 2008 18:00:51 +0000

Investment counselor
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Smith, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $30,000 for my law education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” asked the investment counselor.

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

Guy and Doctor

admin — Sat, 24 May 2008 12:07:43 +0000

One day a man goes to his doctor and says, “Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife.” They both laugh. A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, “How are you feeling?”
The patient smiles and replies” You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home.”

Guide to Safe Fax

admin — Fri, 23 May 2008 12:06:51 +0000

Q: Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.Q: How old do you think someone should be before they can fax? My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21.
A: Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedures.Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A: Certainly not as far as we can see.

Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is this legal?
A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a “professional” when their needs to fax become to great.

Q: Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.

Q: What happens when I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A: Don’t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won’t mind if you try again.

Q: I have a personal fax and a business fax. Can transmission become mixed up?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won’t transmit anything you’re not supposed to.

American, Russian and Osama bin Ladin

admin — Thu, 22 May 2008 14:32:45 +0000

Three guys, a Russian, Osama bin Ladin and American are out walking together one day. They come across a magic lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

“I will give each of you each one wish, that’s three wishes total,” says the Genie.

The Russian guy says, “I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Russia.”

With a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ the land in Russia was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Russians or Americans can come into our precious state.”

Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

American (A former civil engineer), asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this great wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 20,000 feet high, 600 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out. It’s really impenetrable.”

American says, “My wish is filling it with water.”

Just another blonde joke

admin — Wed, 21 May 2008 17:50:31 +0000

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, “Show me where.”
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, “Ouch!”
Then she touched her leg and screamed, “Ouch!”
She touched her nose and cried, “Ouch!”
She looked at her doctor and said, “See? It hurts everywhere!”
The doctor laughed and said, “Don’t worry; it’s not serious. You’ve just got a broken index finger.”