Three Men At A Bar
There was an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man at a bar.
The English man says "I went into me daughters bedroom the other day and found a packet of fags" then says "the thing is I didn't realised she smoked"
The Scots man then says "I had a similar experience; I went into my daughters bedroom and found a bottle of vodka" he says "the thing is I didn't realise she drank"
The Irish man then said "The same thing happened to me; I went into my daughters bedroom and found a packet of condoms" he then says "The thing is I didn't realise she had a penis."
Adultery
An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice."
"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never,Father", replied the old man. "I'm Jewish"
"So why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
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Princess Di and Pink Floyd
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
The Wall.
Shopping Spree
Upon returning to her car from a shopping spree, one of a group of young ladies realizes that she has forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills.
She rushes into the nearest pharmacy and gives her prescription to the pharmacist.
"I'd appreciate it very much if you could fill this immediately," she says." I've got people waiting in my car!"
Horny Older Man
There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollars, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose." "Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree."
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