Eye Rubbers
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning? Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
The Good Samaritan
It was an unusually cold night, and it had been snowing continuously for hours. An off-duty towtruck driver came across a vehicle that had skidded off the road and was partly submerged in a drainage ditch.
Spotting an attractive young lady standing nearby, the driver stopped and offered his assistance.
She smiled gratefully, as the man began to hook the towtruck to her car.
Making conversation, the driver said "You know, you're the third pregnant lady I've helped out of this ditch tonight."
The trim young lady was puzzled and a bit insulted as she said "You're mistaken, I'm not pregnant!".
Winking at the young lady, the driver retorted "You're not out of the ditch yet".
Just Knitting
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
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The Dogs
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.
"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down." The other two dogs nodded sympatheticly, then the second, a Kelpie, explained his situation.
"A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the loungeroom, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep." The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for.
"My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and once when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life." The other dogs tut-tutted.
"So you're here to be put down too?" he asked. The Shepard shook his head.
"No, just to get my nails clipped!"
Three very tough mice
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"
Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."
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